Where Do I Start to Teach My Child to Emotionally Regulate?

Through playful interactions with others your child learns the skills of socialization whilst learning about their environment such as how they react to various cues in their environment such as spatial awareness, sensorimotor movement going back to their early days as an infant learning to grasp and release objects, track objects across their midline, how to crawl, sit, walk, run, hop, skip, throw and catch a ball with the development of hand-eye coordination, gravity security with vestibular stimulation, touches they like and dislike, sights and sounds that may overload their nervous system, movements they like and can’t get enough of and those that make them giddy and nauseous, tastes and smells they prefer and those they avoid, and the ability to self soothe and alert themselves through unconscious self-regulation of their senses.

Just as you have been there by your child’s side teaching them through play to learn these essential skills in a spirit of fun, curiosity, exploration and enthusiasm, your presence and involvement in their playful experimentation of how their senses make them feel within helps guide your child to understanding how to shift these sensations to different levels of alertness to best perform in each situation by aligning their nervous system through preferred sensory experiences.

Beginning this journey of discovery in co-regulation is not difficult and ‘play with purpose’ is its rhythm and tempo guide. Three easy steps to co-regulation include:

1.  Tune into your child’s energy and behavioural cues. What makes your child feel calm? What triggers stress in them? How does your child self-soothe?

2.  Role model self-regulation. Your energy sets the tone. When you stay calm and grounded, you create a safe space for your child to do the same. Talk about how you’re feeling and use consistent language to describes that energy level and internal feeling for you. You may have heard the term engine speed used to describe the level of arousal in our bodies. Sherry Shellenberger and Mary Sue Williams, founders of the Alert Program®, created the analogy of an engine representing our bodies using a too fast engine to describe a feeling of hyper alertness in our bodies, too slow engine speed to describe a hypo-alert nervous system, and a just right engine speed to describe our bodies as being in the optimal zone for the task at hand. Perhaps these engine speed terms resonate with you and your child to describe how you are feeling.
There is no need to ask your child how they are feeling at this stage, you are simply role modeling how you are feeling and that you may use sensory experiences such as chewing gum to alert yourself whilst driving or working on your laptop, or perhaps you dim the lights to make the room darker to prepare for bed. Your child will learn that you prepare yourself for a meeting and that there are things you do to self-regulate yourself to a better inner feeling before heading out to the shops which are uncomfortably loud for you. You are familiarizing them with the concept of self-regulation of your emotions by role modelling the state of an optimal level of alertness for engaging in a task. You are forming the notion that using sensory activities to self-regulate is an ongoing everyday occurrence, a daily habit.

3. Celebrate your child’s uniqueness in how they self-regulate. We are all different and that’s something to honour and respect. There is no correct way of self regulating if it causes no harm to people or damage to the environment. Your child may enjoy spinning, jumping or snuggling to self-regulate and that is okay. These behaviours are strengths, not quirks, and your child deserves a safe environment where they are celebrated for their uniqueness.

As the parent, you may choose to introduce ‘play with purpose’ to co-regulate with your child if you have identified sensory activities that you both like to use to self-soothe or to energise yourselves. For instance, if mornings are a sluggish time of the day for you both, you may choose to wake them with some mid-range happy music that awakens their nervous system, then increase the tempo with a dance off to the kitchen that’s silly and fun and shifts your nervous systems into a just right level for the morning routine before school. These moments of shared fun aren’t just about entertainment, they’re about connection, growth, and creating a family culture where everyone feels seen and supported.

Co-regulation is not about fixing behaviour, it’s about coming together with your child in partnership, respecting each other’s needs, and finding a rhythm that works for both of you. Times of the day such as meal times, the homework period, or slowing down to prepare for bed, which have typically been a challenge with nervous systems out of alignment for the required behaviours can have the struggle eliminated by co-regulation through shared fun. Co-regulation nurtures the connection with your child and manifests a dynamic groove to your family with a sensitive respect for each other’s uniqueness in their preferences.

Every family is like a band. Each member has their own instrument, their own style, their own tempo. The magic happens when you learn to play together, respecting each other’s rhythm and creating a song that’s uniquely yours.

Sensory Tuning, Helping kids sense their value